The Times They Walked Away
by SkyeRose
Summary: Faith is holding on to things in spite of changing moods and circumstances. But sometimes you lose faith. Written to bridge the gap between Sam and Jack's conversation in 'Affinity' and her saying yes to Pete. SamJack, oneshot


**The Times They Walked Away**

**A/N: Written for the wonderful Steadfast! I mentioned in a previous story that I will never understand how Sam had said yes to Pete after Jack's "I wouldn't be here" comment and it was their idea that I write something to bridge that disconnect. Something to explain why Sam said yes. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be and I only hope I've done this justice. **

**Beginning dialogue is straight from 'Affinity' and second italics block refers to an unseen conversation in 'Grace.'**

**Enjoy!**

"_What about you?" Sam felt her throat threaten to close as she asked the question that had been sitting like a weight on her tongue for two weeks."If things had been different, if-," But her courage failed and the words left her as his eyes sought hers._

_She looked away, unwilling to see whatever effect her words had had on him. She knew there were a hundred different ways this conversation could go and she suddenly realized she wasn't prepared for any of them. Her whole life she'd fought to be the strong one, the decisive one, but she was slowly coming to realize that she wasn't in control of her actions at all._

"_I wouldn't be here." His softly spoken words made her heart skip a beat and her eyes snapped to his, surprise etched all over her face. But underneath his gentle tone was a hard edge and Sam felt her nerve slip even further. He was watching her, waiting for her to say something—do something._

_They stood like that for a long time, General and his Colonel, unwilling to let this moment go, but unable to do anything but stare. And, in the end, he walked away._

Sam dropped her head onto her folded arms and screwed up her face against the bitter memory. She should have said _something_, done anything but just sit there. For heaven's sake, he was the only concrete reason she hadn't said yes or no to Pete yet. Jack O'Neill was the one thing that could tip her decision either way and he didn't even know it.

Or maybe he did.

Maybe that was why he had given her such an ambiguous answer. 'I wouldn't be here…' Sam rolled the words over in her mind for the thousandth time. What did that mean? Was he saying that if things had been different he would have retired and it would be him, not Pete, who was slipping a ring on her finger? Or did he mean that he would have left the SGC and gone on to new adventures—possibly sought out Sarah, his ex-wife? Or someone they had encountered on one of their missions—Kynthia…Laira? Or someone entirely new?

Sam groaned and pressed her forehead harder into her arms. This was not what she wanted—had never been what she wanted. She had never expected to fall for her commanding officer, had never expected it to be so _hard_, and she'd certainly never expected having to fall for someone else. She hadn't expected to try and build a life with someone else.

After seven years of silent understanding, an unspoken idea that they would wait for each other, she hadn't expected Jack to be the one to push her to find someone else. But he had.

"_Hey," Jack knocked gently on her door as he entered her lab. "How're you feeling?"_

"_Better, sir, thanks." Sam's brilliant smile faltered when she saw him flinch. "Are you okay?"_

"_Just, ah, don't look at me like that." He scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck as he averted his eyes._

"_Sir?" Sam was utterly taken aback. Since she had been released from the infirmary after the Prometheus incident, she and the colonel had spent more time than usual together. And she wasn't complaining. The things Jack and her father—well, she—had said while she was hallucinating had been weighing heavily on her. _

_This job wouldn't be over any time soon and she wasn't getting any younger. She would either have to accept that she might have to sacrifice a family, but eventually be able to be with Jack…or she could let Jack go and make a life with someone else. After days of obsessing over the smallest details of each scenario, she chose the first._

_She didn't care how long she had to wait; she knew she would eventually be able to have everything she wanted. She just needed to be patient._

_Which was why his request spun her so off course. "Don't look at you like what?" Sam frowned._

"_Like…you're happy." He looked up at her then and Sam had to put all her years in the military to good use to keep from crying._

"_Should I not be happy?" Sam tried to make it sound light, but the smile had already fallen from her lips._

_Jack searched her eyes for a long time, jaw clenching and unclenching. He kept starting to speak, but he always stopped himself. Feeling the tears pricking at her eyes, Sam looked towards the ceiling before standing and pushing her stool to the side. For some reason she felt she really needed to be on her feet; she needed to be in a less passive position._

_Finally, her colonel held his hands out in front of him, like he was holding a bowl and looked almost beseeching. "I want you to be happy, Carter."_

"_Well, okay. I am." Sam kept a neutral face._

"_No." Jack shook his head and took another step into the room. "You're not. You're content." Sam frowned slightly—he had just repeated what her "father" said to her on the ship. "I want you to be happy. Really happy."_

"_I am, sir." But before she finished, he said something so quietly she wasn't sure she heard him correctly._

"_I want to make you happy."_

"_I'm sorry, sir?"_

"_I said," He turned the full force of his gaze on her. "I want to make you happy, Carter."_

"_I'm not sure I understand…" He couldn't possibly be saying what she thought he was saying._

"_And there's only one way I can go that, Carter." He stressed her last name and even though she wanted to play dumb, she knew she couldn't. Not now._

"_What is that?" She placed her hands flat on the table and dropped his rank; a challenge._

_The sadness in his smile would have broken Sam's heart. If he hadn't already done that a few seconds before. "Have a life…Sam." And he had walked out._

'_Again_,' Sam thought miserably, staring at the wall. For a long time she had been angry with him for doing it on the base—she thought that if he had done it on civilian ground, maybe—just maybe, things would have worked out differently. Words wouldn't have needed to be minced, she could have responded without fear of someone walking past. But then she'd realized why he'd done it on the base. It was a reminder of who they were and what they stood for. It kept the distance.

Then Sam had just been angry. She was hurt and confused and, as much as she wanted answers, she refused to seek them from him. He never did anything without a reason. What Sam couldn't figure out was the timing. Why now? Because they'd been getting so close? Because people were talking?

It wasn't until almost a month had gone by that Sam overheard Daniel and Janet talking late one night. Daniel had expressed concerns about how distant she and Jack seemed after the Prometheus incident and Janet had sighed. Then she said something Sam had never expected to hear.

"_When Sam was unconscious, she kept muttering things. Most of it was technical terms for the ship, but some of it was more personal. She talked about a little girl—her little girl. The colonel overheard her and, well…I'm not sure what he thought."_

It was then that Sam had realized, her commanding officer thought he was holding her back from a picket fence life. A husband and children….anger had flooded her again and that was what had finally pushed her to say yes to the blind date her brother kept trying to send her on. It was spiteful, but hey…that's what he wanted right?

She hadn't expected it to go this far. She hadn't expected to develop feelings for Pete and she certainly hadn't seen the ring coming. Sam's fingers tightened in her hair. Everything was wrong. Her whole life—the life she worked so hard to have—felt like it was crumbling through her fingers. She was hurting two people now, one because she couldn't have him and the other because she could.

The general hardly looked at her anymore, joked only when other people were around. Sam was almost happy they weren't in the field together anymore—she wasn't sure if there was even enough trust there to effectively watch each other's backs.

Her elbow nudged the velvet box and she cringed. Pete didn't even know she hated velvet. Or maybe he did. Maybe it didn't matter. Sam finally lifted her head, temples throbbing with all of her damn thinking. She couldn't shut her mind off. What he said had to mean something. Did he regret what had happened a year ago?

She couldn't say yes. Not when her heart still believed—still _hoped_—there was a chance with the man she couldn't have.

Sam stood and, taking one last glance at the box, strode from the room, shoulders straight and back stiff. He hadn't left the base, not if he was still there at two in the morning. She checked his office first and, upon finding it empty, descended the steps to the control room. She was only slightly surprised to find him there, feet kicked up next to the computer and hands folded over his stomach. Other than the two of them the room was empty.

"Sir." Sam pulled up a chair and sat facing him.

"Carter." He didn't look the least bit surprised to see her. "Couldn't sleep?"

"No, sir." Sam looked around the room before glancing over her shoulder at the looming Stargate. "Where is everybody?"

"Sleeping, I guess. I told Walter to take the rest of the night off. I was going to be up anyway."

Sam flinched knowing it was her that was keeping him awake. "I need to talk to you."

Jack found her eyes. "Look, Carter, if you want advice about the whole marriage thing I'd talk to Daniel or-,"

"No." Sam steeled herself. "I have to talk to _you_."

She watched him size her up. "Okay."

Sam took a deep breath. "If things had been different I wouldn't be here either." When he didn't react, she pushed forward. "Granted, I'd probably still be with the program, but I wouldn't be the leader of SG-1 and, at this point, I may not even be military."

"I can't imagine that."

Sam smiled slightly. "I can. If I had the right reason."

The expression on his face was unfathomable, but Sam knew this was now or never. They had always had that silent understanding, but everything was different now. But Sam hadn't for one second believed Jack had given up on them. She hadn't.

"Carter…" He ran a hand through his hair and glanced at his watch. "It's late. You should get some sleep."

"Too late?" Sam asked, knowing he understood.

Jack's eyes traveled over her face. "Never too late." Sam felt her heart lift and the decision to say no to Pete made her feel like she weighed nothing at all. "For some things." And just like that, Sam felt a hard pit form in her stomach.

"Some?" Sam licked her lips and looked away, increasingly wet eyes finding the gate.

"The time frame for…having a family," He spoke slowly, choosing his words carefully. "Isn't infinite."

"But it can be worth the wait." Sam refused to look at him, heart aching for something she'd never had.

"You've waited long enough, Sam." Her eyes flew to his and she felt the first tear fall. "Say yes."

"And that's what you want?" Anger flooded her, taking the place of utter desolation. She refused to cry. She refused to let him see how much she wanted him to tell her to say no—to wait just a little longer.

Not to give up.

Jack just stared at her, his jaw working like he was trying to say something but no words were coming. Sam felt her head start to bob up and down; she wasn't sure if she was nodding in a false gesture of acquiescence or because she was just at an utter loss as to what to do. She looked at him, took in every line and curve of his face and she knew the floodgates were going to burst.

For every hiccup they'd ever had, every argument, every misstep…they'd always come back to each other. And Sam had naively thought that was how it would always be. At least until one of them retired or the rules changed. But he was giving up. He was actually giving up. And not just the "leave it in the room" giving up, but really and truly letting go.

Sam looked away, fury and grief warring within her. She felt like she was in some twisted nightmare where she shows up in the gateroom in her underwear and declares her love for her CO in a peppy song. Sam looked towards the gate again and felt her adrenaline thrum through her. It was that damn thing's fault she was in this mess anyway.

Slowly, feeling every ache in her body, she stood, pressing her hand against the computer for support. With a great effort she stopped nodding her head and instead held herself very still. "Okay." She stood there for another minute, giving him one last chance to look at her, to change his mind. But he kept his gaze steadfastly on his boots, unmoving. "Okay." She repeated. Then she turned and did the hardest thing she'd ever had to do.

This time she walked away.

After all, it was so much harder to hear the truth when all you wanted was the lies.

**END**

**P.S. SO GUYS…I was watching TV and a Medicare commercial came on and GUESS WHO WAS ON IT? Jacob freakin' Carter! He never died, he just went into commercials!**


End file.
